I can not believe it..............

I did something about an hour ago that I don't normally like to do. But pure curiosity made me go ahead and do it and now I am more depressed than I think I have been all year. I weighed myself. 


I had a baby about 6 months ago. Something always baffles me.Why is it that after I give birth instead of gradually losing weight I seem to gain it? The same thing happened to me after I had my first son. I was skinny before getting pregnant the first time. Honestly I didn't like being skinny. I thought it made me look sick because I am 6 feet tall. After I had my first son, I was a nice size, but eventually I started to gain weight. I just don't get it. I weight more right now than I did when I was 9 months pregnant. 


I need to lose about 20 to 30 lbs. I think that would be a weight I could be happy about myself with. i haven't eaten anything since about 10am and I certainly do not want to eat anything now! I don't even want to cook dinner because I just have no desire to be around food. I need to do something NOW.........

Do YOU have an addiction?

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Addiction is a really funny thing, you know. Throughout my life, I have dealt with small cases of addiction, all except one. I used to be a smoker. I smoked cigarettes for about a year and a half. Then, I got pregnant with my little baby boy, Jalen, and that was the end of my cancer stick smoking days....


For this I should be grateful, I guess. But I feel I wasn't ready to quit. I feel the urge all the time to smoke. It was a way for me to have some alone time. I could sit outside in the pure air and just be by myself for a few minutes. I no longer have anything close to that kind of release. So what should I do? Find another addiction I suppose.


How pitiful I am, the highlight of my day, is going into Walgreens and cruising the aisles reading labels and taking entirely too long to buy the diapers I went there for. I am just so glad to be out of the house I talk to the cashiers and everything. Like I said, I am pitiful. At least I realize and admit it.


So now I am looking for something else to help me with my stress issues. I love shoes. For a very long time it has been impossible to find shoes that I like in my size. I am a size 12, and I believe God wanted to punish me for giving me these feet, and a shoe addiction. FML......so not fair....but now I am at least able to order them online. But nothing beats going into a store and trying on a shoe.....sigh.


Another thing I have grown a great fondness for is makeup. The truth of the matter is, for most of my adult life I never even wore makeup. I have always had beautiful skin and natural beauty so I never thought I needed it. I still don't need it, I guess, but I get so bored with who I see in the mirror I have to do something to enhance myself. I have been through several tattoos and piercings, hairstyles you name it. I am still learning to love me for me. 


These sleepless nights are definitely taking its toll on me.......I am going to retire and try to rest my mind a bit...

hmmmmmmmm

Let's see......what to write about tonight.....

Parenthood

Parenthood is the most challenging job there is, and yes, it is most certainly a job. I have two absolutely gorgeous boys, ages 6 years and 6 months, and I will say it is HARD. I do not know how women who have several kids do it and they deserve a Pulitzer or something. As a mother of two boys, I have learned that wine is my friend, and patience is a must. But exactly what do you do when your patience runs thin? Us moms are only human, after all, and we have moments of weakness very often. It is your reaction to those moments that decide how good your parenting skills are......

It has become very clear to me a few things. I notice now that I am on my second child, that with my first son, there are some things I should have done differently. Now of course my first son turned out quite well considering the fact that I have a few issues of my own to account for. I suffer from mental illness and it is in my family, so it was pretty much inherited. I believe some of my qualities have been pasted on to my oldest son, as I didn't take very good care of my depression while I was pregnant with him. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would definitely take some type of medication during the pregnancy as I did with my second son. My second son is the most laid back and happy child I think I have ever met. My oldest, on the other hand, is quite the opposite.

He suffers from learning disabilities and I believe he is also developing anxiety. It just seems that certain actions of his seem like a red flag to me. Being that I went through it as a child I see some of the warning signs that I felt as a kid. He has an extreme separation anxiety when it comes to me. His dad makes jokes about him acting like my man because he is always questioning my whereabouts. It is comical to him, but I wish it were that easy for me to laugh at it. I am constantly faced with the thought that he thinks I am going to leave him so I can't go anywhere for too long. I am completely consumed with this fear of being hurt or killed somehow because I know it will be extremely devastating for him. The thought of it all brings me to tears.

Now my baby, on the other hand, doesn't worry me at all! He loves his mommy and I can clearly see that, but he is infatuated by his father just as much. Never the case with my first son. He is mommy's baby, always...... my baby is a momma's boy too, but I don't see it being as bad as my first. I mean, what can I say! I guess I am just that good of a mom! Above all else, my children are my greatest accomplishment. They make everyday I am on this Earth worth living and i just hope I will be able to continue to be the loving and wonderful mother they need me to be.

And on that note.................goodnite bloggers........kiss your kids if you have any, and remember, noone will be there and protect our children like us mothers will, so be there and listen to your children. Even if you think they are just talking to be talking, they may be saying something that they need you to hear......................

Swaggarific............

I had a conversation the other day about what swagger is. I think it means something different to every person.

The topic of our conversation was Jay-z and Beyonce. I was trying to explain that although Jay is not the most attractive man on the planet, his swagger makes him desirable and I am sure it is what attracted Bey. Swag can be the way you talk, the words you use....there is something witty and cultured about someone wit swag. This doesn't necessarily mean the person is college educated, they could be cultured from the streets or wherever they are from. They know how to take their knowledge and put it to work for them.

Sexy

Witty

Arousing

Gutsy

Great

Aggressive

Resourceful

Intellectual

Flirtatious

Independent-minded

Confident

What does it mean to you?

Do u have an alter ego?

Ok, now let me begin by saying this....

An alter ego is defined as a second self; another aspect of ones self.

This is not to be confused with Multiple Personalities!!!!!!!! lol

With that being said, I have an alter and her name is Lovly. As you have probably guessed she is a different side of Lavine. A more open and unadulterated side.....Lovly and I have been thru many different things together, and now that I am exploring and thinking back to some of the situations we have shared, I would think most of the traumatic and bad things that have happened in my life would have been experienced my Lovly. They were actually experienced by Lavine. Lovly is trusting yet stern...refuses to be taken advantage of...However, Lavine has always been taken advantage of and used. I just wish I had acknowledged Lovly sooner!

Lavine

is a loving and caring mother before she is anything else. Nothing else in this world matters more than the safety and well being of her children. It is extremely important to make sure her kids have everything in life that they need, and that they are raised to be the most decent men as they can possibly be. They will above all treat people as that and love family and friends unconditionally as their parents did them. Next she is a lover and a friend. Great and healthy relationships are very important without which she doesn't feel whole inside. Unfortunately, Lavine now treads quite lightly when dealing with certain people as some have proved to be heartless and less than caring. She is right now struggling with her identity as a lot of changes have recently taken place in her life.....

Lovly

has been MIA since Lavine got pregnant with her second son. She was the diva and the center of attention at all times. Everyone loved to be around her male and female alike and she always needs to be around others. This side didn't care whatsoever what anyone thought about her or said....she always went for what she wanted and that was one of her strongest qualities even though there were many more.....

SO....my question is, do you have an alter ego? Does he/she have a name? Tell me what they are like, and do you know Lavine or Lovly?

Just starting out.....

I am just starting this blogging thing...I need a way of expression, and I'm hoping this will be a good way to start. Right now I am a little frustrated....mostly with myself. I am not able to find a job, which is what I think might be a way I might feel better about myself. I enjoy being home because I know that my baby is safe and I dont have to worry about daycare or anything like that....with that I am also able to do doctors appts for both my boys and even myself. I definately feel this first blog is certainly a bit of a journal entry, but I plan to discuss many different things in this blog. I have a Facebook page, but I feel my posts are so restricted because of how my friend list has grown! lol.....Do I have any friends that I could just be myself around?